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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.